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To My Children – Zaria, Zion, Izaiah

I watch you grow to someday let you go
I once only thought of my dreams and possibilities
But the power of your love has made me selfless and whole
I once used to desire the love I read about in romance novels
Never once imagining the power of your unconditional love would make me complete as one being

Those long sleepless nights in which you learned to sleep, as I dreamt of your future, all while not believing my eyes as I stood in awe of God’s perfection
The sore sensitive nipples as we both learned to nurse
Those scars healing in that beautiful mound that is now dually a pleasure seeker and life bearer
The bumps, curves, and stretch marks I thought would destroy my body, I now wear proudly as battle scars
I truly understand as all mothers before me, how to juggle and endure

I dread for the future of the world now not because I am in it, but because you are
I truly understand a mother’s guilt and being torn between staying and leaving, straddling the threshold
I have developed a truer understanding with all my fellow mothers of the unspoken bond because of the experience and love I now know
Sharing our battle stories in the same trenches

The countless hours I watched you slumber breathing in your sweet precious breathe
Inhaling your comforting elixir as you lay on my skin knowing you sleep nowhere better than in my arms
And the times I have spent in my darkest hours I have come to realize that not only are you my heart, but my saving grace

I pray my loves that you grow, love, endure, amaze, forgive, laugh, cry, fight, and exist in every way you alone have taught me.

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Perfect

I lie here looking at the body that has given me so much pleasure and pain
My breasts once firm and perky, now deflated and sad
My enviable flat stomach now lies next to me, soft and tender
There is an odd shaped crevice that once housed a very sexy belly button
And my most exquisite bit scarred with a line connecting two points of a perfect triangle

Yet, I cannot be more proud of the pieces of me that created life, nourished it, and brought into this world

The imperfections evident as I look in the mirror at my naked body

The bumps
The curves
The visible and invisible scars
The loose saggy parts that once were so firm you could bounce a quarter off of them

They are the not-so-subtle reminders of the little miracles created from a bond of love

Eternally grateful for the man who loves and is still aroused by the body lying next to him each night, never once letting on that he may long for the body that used to be

Eternally grateful for the three amazing children who see me as their beautiful mother, even on days when I fall just a little short of perfection

The connection and love I feel, as they bury their faces in my neck in each embrace, knowing that my scent alone is comfort to them all

Bombarded by the images every day of what the ideal is

Making a conscientious decision to love this magnificent body that has blessed me with a life that I could have never imagined and much to my surprise, multi-orgasmic

Loving myself as I am and not allowing myself to be assaulted by the non-existent perfection that the world wants me to believe

I am beautiful
I am powerful
I am amazing
I am glorious

Not in spite of, but because of, the perfect imperfections

Fading

Traveling to the dark corners of my mind


Wishing more and more to leave it all behind


The grip he has on my soul would make me half of one should I tear myself away


How do I leave knowing the turmoil and devastation left in my wake?

The blame and the guilt weighing heavily on my heart every waking moment

A piece of me dies with every hurtful word uttered from his lips

Inevitably becoming the shell of the woman I used to be


Ignoring my need to be desired

Pushing it back down the center of my core


As time escapes, the desire becomes louder than my strength to suppress it

For now, foolishly believing that things will change, as hope slowly fades

Bliss

Listening to the rain
Pitter, patter
On the window sill

Washing away the impurities
While I lie here with you
Listening to your breath synchronize with the beat of my heart

Melting slowly into the sheets
Beneath the warmth of your body
Moving perfectly as we become one
You, me, bed, rain, sheets, your breath, my heartbeat

Bliss

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My Dearest Vauxy

(dedicated to our lonely 1957 Vauxhall Victor)

My dear Vauxy, I know how you feel

I remember the excitement in his eyes when he brought you home,
Those many, many years ago

The determination at the thought of picking up the pieces,
And making you whole again – just like a man – such a problem solver.

The hours toiling away carefully tinkering beneath your hood,
Gently caressing all your curves, welding new steel to replace the rusted and neglected frame of your body.

My dear Vauxy, I know how you feel

The man hours, the emotional and physical investment,
Night after night, for months on end.

You became his obsession,
And I could not help but feel a twinge of jealousy.

But like all passionate love affairs, the exploration, the investment and excitement of the newness,
All good things come to an end.

He became distracted with a new venture, a new love,
Here we are a fine English import and a Middle Eastern refugee,

The epitome of neglected first loves that novels are written about,
Two peas in a very lonely dusty pod.